What a c-section means to me

Having a second section brought me closure

When I imagined child birth, whilst pregnant with my first, I imagined water births, pain, screaming, walking about, beds, euphoria, getting a baby placed into my arms within seconds of being born. I had not considered what actually happened.

April is national c-section month and one that will always make me think of both my children's births because I have had not one, but two, emergency sections. That's right, I have not had a water birth, a baby placed in my arms within seconds. I have not pushed. I have not "given birth".

The first time I had an emergency section it took me months (20 months to be exact) to get over the fact I had had to have a section rather than vaginal birth. I felt I had failed. I felt I had not given birth. I feel inferior. I felt so much negativity about the birth that I often forgot what I did get out of it - a beautiful baby girl.

My positives of a c-section:

  • I ended up with two healthy children who might would not have been here if I had not had a section.
  • I got to be a mum - something I would not have got to be without a section
Okay so it is a short list but those are two very big reason why I am positive about the fact I have had two sections right now. Without them I might not be here and my children almost certainly wouldn't be.

As I said it took me 20 months to get over my first c-section emotionally. Indeed it took until i had had my second section for me to feel at ease with it.

With my first I never laboured. I did not feel pain. I did not see M for 30 minutes and even then it was a glance from a distance. I did not get first cuddles. 

I tried for vaginal birth after c-section (VBAC) with F and this time I did labour, only I laboured too fast and too hard and nothing they did could slow body down. Then things for very scary and F started to get extremely distressed. Queue section number two which required forceps to delivery him. This time I realised that I was okay with having a section (I was so relieved to finally be told they were taking me through to theatre). It was as if the second section brought closure to the need of having the first section. It was almost instant that I became happy with both births. I also got to see F first, got to find out sex first and got first cuddles (after I presume all the medical staff who were doing tests or went in for a nosey).

Now, as I think to the future and to planning for a third, I am open minded about birth. I do hope I will have the chance to try again for a vaginal birth but I am quite happy to accept that I might need a planned section this time round. I know that I can ask to find out sex and to have first cuddles and be more in control of the situation. I just know that I will never have another induction again after two failed ones so far.

Training Mummy

Training Mummy is a 30 something mum to two beautiful children - a girl born February 2014 and a boy born in October 2015.

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