Take part in The Caesarean Experience survey


I have had three caesarean sections. No vaginal births. I thought I was okay with this. I am not.

My dream, from being a child and thinking I would have kids, to the moment I met my third and final child, was that I would have a "normal" birth. I hate that word. Although I don't think it what I went through is normal. It is normal to me. I think.

I thought I had dealt with my births. I remember being so strong about it after have O 6 weeks ago, until my midwife came round and I realised I had just been pushing it to the back of my mind.  Now 6 weeks on I again thought I had come to terms with it. That was until I saw a tweet asking for woman who had caesarean sections to take part in The Caesarean Birth Experience survey.
The Birthrights Dignity in Childbirth survey (2013) found that 73% of women who birthed by caesarean felt their birth had a negative impact on their view of themselves, compared to 22% of women who had a spontaneous vaginal birth.
I am part of the 73% of woman who birthed by caesarean who have a negative view of themselves. I even find it hard to write "birthed" as I never feel like I did it.

I keep telling myself that I have three beautiful children but to be honest I don't think that really comes into the equation. It won't make me feel happy with how I gave birth or to understand why.

I have requested my notes to walk about my experiences as I always blame myself. Why could I not do it? What did I do wrong? Could I have changed anything?

I wonder if they had left me for a wee bit longer I could have managed to have a baby vaginally. Could they have used a different induction method?

Even something simple as building a relationship with my community midwife and then knowing I would not see her during the birth was hard, especially third time round when she was the one person who explained things the most, made me feel the calmest and just made me feel at ease. What I would have loved to have had her there with us.
Some days I just get an overwhelming feeling of disappointment about how things turned out.
Have I adversely harmed by children by having sections (will they have more chance of having asthma)? Was having a section the reason I couldn't breastfeed my first two? There are so many questions in my mind about what happened, what could have been, why, why, why!

I also mourn the things I never got. I never got first cuddles (as in handed straight to me and not taken away for checks and returned to me). I never got to see my baby fresh out of my womb, just all cleaned up. My hubby never got to cut a cord. We did not get pictures until we were through to recovery. I never got to experience what it felt like to push, or the final push. I have never known what really happened and why.

One day I know I will be fine with my births, and in many ways I am, but some days I just get an overwhelming feeling of disappointment about how things turned out.

The team hope this survery reaches 2000 women so please do it if you can and help shape the future.

Training Mummy

Training Mummy is a 30 something mum to two beautiful children - a girl born February 2014 and a boy born in October 2015.

2 comments :

  1. I have just completed it. I feel very similar to you, I don't feel like I have given birth and it makes me sad that I haven't experienced that x

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    1. I am so glad that I am not the only one to feel this, although wish I was. I wonder if we will always feel this sadness or if it will improve in time?

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